Brrrring Brrrring!

This week I have been cycling into work for the first time in 3 years. I ache all over and my bum hurts. I look very much like the lady in the picture except I wear jeans and a big jacket. And I have a massive safety helmet, and I'm riding Stu's old bike. I do have the same startled expression and fixed grin as I weave through the Bristol rush hour. Honestly Bristol is shit for riding round. There are no cycles lanes, all the roads are really narrow and there are little pot holes everywhere. But there is an additional hidden danger to cycling in Bristol...Incurring the wrath of Venue readers. Venue is a weekly magazine for Bristol and Bath and has both an 'I saw you' and 'I'm sore at you' section, for example

"I saw you: Gloucester Road Post Office. Mon 22 Sept,3.35 PM.You yummy, blond, 5'3". Me 6'3" black jeans & shirt. You stood behind me in queue and smiled. I left with impure thoughts. Did you? peter1242** **o2.co.uk"

"I'm sore at you: j the clifton ginger. thinks its about time u came to realise u r ugly and unpopular"

I'm addicted to it. Because sometimes people reply and it's really cute, and it usually goes along the lines of

"I saw you: blonde hair blue eyes at this time in this place"
then next week,
"I've got blonde hair blue eyes and I was at that place at that time was it me?"
then the week after,
"It might have been, what were you wearing?" etc etc etc etc

I love it. There was nearly an accidental lesbian relationship once when a couple of straight girls each thought the other was a boy for WEEKS. It's like a soap opera I tell you.

Anyway here are a few of the cyclist-related 'I'm sore at you' entries from the past few weeks...

"Cyclists - GET ON THE RAOD. I have actually been forced on the road, pushing A PRAM as you idiots cannot seen to cycle on the roads! What is wrong with you?"

"Don't cycle on the pavement - CYCLE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD! Thereby avoiding pedestrians, door opening parked cars and the dreaded 'squeeeeze' past by the bus. Yes, it really annoys everyone in a car behind you, but so what?"

"Please all you cyclists out there, dont ride in the middle of the road as some idiot is suggesting. I ride and drive so see both points of view-know your place, keep near the kerb dont give lunies in BMW,s a reason to run you down !"

"I'm sore at all the ranting bicyclists; cycle at the weekend in the woods by all means. But you urban lot who shake yr limp wristed fists at cars as you mount the pavement swearing pathetic obscenities from 'neath your dead chicken helemets. Twats! You mince about the city centre on your crappy little bikes because you dont have a car, cant afford a gym membership, or are too mean to pay a bus fare, probably all three, f*ck*ng losers!"

"I understand people's frustration at cyclists using the pavements but just as there are bad cyclists there are bad drivers whose main aim it would seem is to score imaginary points by hitting us or causing damage. The cyclists, pedestrians nor drivers are at fault here but the Council so let's stop wasting our energy fighting amogst ourselves and stand up to the big boys who really can make a difference..."

"Im sore at you - people who leave their bins/recycling boxes on pavements. The cretins do not seem to have cottoned onto the fact that the bin men come once a fortnight. its hell with a pushchair what with the CYCLISTS - get on the road dickheads!"

"Pavement Cyclists: stay where you are, leave the roads for the car drivers that pay tax to be there"

"Pavement cyclists - USE THE ROADS - end of"

"I'm sore at you: for banging on about cyclists, i dont even have a bike ! who cares how they cycle to their destination, i usually find people walking on the pavement act just as stupidly as anyone in a car, bike, lorry, spaceship.... really people you must have better things to moan about !"

I don't ride on the pavement. And as I also drive I'm very mindful of the cars and try to make myself as small and unobtrusive as possible. But I'm totally paranoid that as soon as I get on my bike everybody HATES me! I may have to stop reading 'I'm sore at you' all together.