There's no place like home

Went home to sunny Weymouth at the weekend to visit ma and pa.

A funny thing happened the other week - Stu started jogging. He has been making empty threats to start jogging for some years, but now he's actually doing it. And not just half-heartedly, but up at 6.30am!! Which is how I ended up on the beach with him and Gem Gems at stupid o'clock on Saturday morning. They went for a jog along the beach while I sat on my lazy arse and took pics. Far more sensible.





Then on Saturday evening we went to Chris and Claire's for a BBQ which was AMAZING. Chris is such a good cook - he did these thai kebab things which were LUSH. Played with Millie the dog lots - she needs the exercise 'cos she's on a diet to get rid of her big bum!!! Bless.



But as is typical round these parts it started pissing it down...


How cute do Stu and Chris look? Like two beer-drinking peas in pod.

Snap Crackle and Pop

AAAaaaaaaahhhhhhh. Well get me, I've just come back from my second ever massage and it was bloody great. I had my first one a couple weeks ago and I nearly leapt off the table it was so painful. Who knew I was so full of knots and such like? I'm so crunchy! She worked out a load of huge knots, just sort of wiggling them around until they started to go. And the noises! The scrunching and popping is really pretty alarming.

But today it was SO much better. There were still quite a few crunchy bits going on in my neck and shoulders, actually a couple of massive boulders too, but it was nowhere near as painful. It's actually really pretty weird because I can feel her pushing all these little things around, the size of pebbles, and it's not exactly comfortable but it's a very satisfying sensation. With all this going on it doesn't seem like it can be relaxing in any way at all but I swear I looked like some sort of Moomin when I came out. My eyes were like saucers and I felt like I was dreaming. I'm really not sure I was fit to drive home.

And it has done something good to tiny mind. I've had a real block about the thesis chapter I'm trying to get somewhere near finishing and I came straight home and bashed a load out. Incredible. Time for a shower now though. The oil she used smells great but I'm one greasy little monkey so better sort that before I sit on the sofa or I'll just slip right off...

THAT'S a knife!

From BBC news...

An 80-year-old woman pulled a 'Crocodile Dundee' when she confronted a burglar, telling him: "You call that a knife - this is a knife"

Winifred Whelan, from Liverpool, awoke to find a man standing by her bed with a 10in (25cm) knife, demanding money

Ms Whelan, who weighs 8st (50kg), sprang into action after two men broke into her home in Walton in the early hours of the morning...

"He had a 10 inch knife so I pointed my knife at his belly and said to him, 'You call that a knife, this is a knife'"





Go old lady go!

She's Leaving Home

Wednesday morning at five o'clock as the day begins
Silently closing her bedroom door
Leaving the note that she hoped would say more
She goes downstairs to the kitchen clutching her hankerchief
Quietly turning the backdoor key
Stepping outside she is free.
She (We gave her most of our lives)
is leaving (Sacrificed most of our lives)
home (We gave her everything money could buy)

Sigh. Today is the day Gem Gems leaves to go save childrens lives in deepest Somerset. I'm not too happy about this and just to cheer me up she MSNed me the above lyrics this morning. Sob. But I musn't be selfish and I must think of the children. The children of Yeovil need her. Missing you already chick pea :(

Are you hanging up your stocking on the wall...

Can there be few sights more exciting than this?



No. I don't think there can be. It was like a mirage before my sweaty eyeballs (even my eyeballs are sweating in this god-awful heat).

Also yesterday Stu and I discovered we have a new favourite coffee shop. For no other reason than the ceiling looks like this...



Actually there is quite a significant other reason...they sell baked vanilla cheesecake. The best of all the cheesecakes. Nowhere else in the vicinity sells anything other than creepy rubber-based cheesecake. I haven't actually tried it yet but I reckon anywhere with such great decor must know a thing or two about cheesecake. It's all very exciting.

Hi Ho Silver Lining

Well I was supposed to go a festival that I REALLY wanted to go to at the weekend, and right now I'm supposed to be at a conference I REALLY wanted to attend (sad I know BUT 'disco' was scheduled as part of the programme so I was pretty excited) but being the sickly wee beast I am I couldn't do either of those things cos I was busy dying a slow boring death.

But even big dark clouds have silver linings and this one came in the form of a visit from little Anna! Yay!! AND she brought me flowers! Yay!



Gems Gems came over too and dragged my arse out of the flat to go for noodles. Oh and lest I forget the white chocolate and ginger cheesecake I had after. Oh good lord I can't tell you how good that stuff is. I f**king love a cheesecake.

Touching wood, fingers crossed and all that jazz, I think I might be on the mend so normal service should resume shortly.

Just call me Bill Gates...or someone else who knows stuff about computers

Woohoo! All by my self I found out how to link stuff in the text of my blog. Being something of a techno flid this is no mean feat. So now when I want to link stuff, you lazy arses will no longer have to cut and paste the address, you can just click on the goddamn link! It's wild. So I might want to say, "remember that funny video of yoga for the heart? Well bugger me if it's not right here!". Brilliant.

Whoops

My fruit bowl sits on a low window ledge in my kitchen which leads directly out onto the balcony, thus...



I went for a banana and dislodged an apple that quite literally jumped out of the bowl and rolled very quickly and very purposefully across the balcony. I watched it go, banana in hand, thinking "it's fine cos there's no way it will fit through..." and over it went. Gone. Fitting perfectly through the gap in the bottom of the ironwork. Eek. It's quite a drop and I had been out on the balcony moments earlier watering the flowers and had seen the landlord's elderly father going to and from his car so I became pretty scared that I'd just killed the poor old soul with my apple. It didn't sound like I'd killed him, I didn't hear a body slump or anything. But still I just waited for a good 5 minutes not wanting to implicate myself by looking worriedly over the edge. But when I did look it was fine. No bodies just my apple, still intact, a little way down the street. Phew. The landlord's dad lives to see another day. I'm going to have to get me some sort of fencing to protect my neighbours from other errant pieces of fruit.

Next Line...

"The rumour's spreading round that she cooks in the nude
But she don't care, she don't care."

Hopefully with all the appropriate apostrophes in place. Phew.

New Game...

Today's lyrics game is brought to you by none other than the amazing Anna...

'The rumours spreading round that she cooks in the nude.'

Anyone can play, just name that tune. No looking on google or otherwise cheating. With each day that passes another line is posted.

Graduation Day

On one of the hottest most blistering days of the year Dr Gem Gems donned a suit and gown and got herself graduated.

NOT the coolest outfit ever...



Terrible photo but good view of the 'do...



Ma and Pa came up for the day and the ceremony was nowhere near as hot or boring as it could have been. So proud of little Gem Gems!!! We had a really nice day, topped off with a really nice curry, as I believe is traditional on these occasions.

So, the new 'do. I'm actually starting to love it. Not sure having big blocks of white hair is all that professional, so it's definitely not permanent, but it's certainly got a couple more weeks reprieve before it all goes dark again. And I kind of thought that what with blondes having more fun I'd start having a little bit more fun but nothing doing so far. Maybe fushia pink should be the next colour change...

This is driving me bonkers now

"You sleep, too deep, one week is another world,
Big mouth, drop out, you get what you deserve
You're strange, insane, one thing you can never change"

The thing is I can kind of hear it. It's sending me mental. It's all I think about night and day.

Oops

You know you've made a mistake at the hairdressers when the local homeless guy takes one look at you and says "what have you done?" with a look of genuine concern. Ah well. Live and learn, heal and grow etc etc.

In my defence I was very hungover on account of yet again being shitfaced in the name of Gem Gems birthday/being a little doctor malark (now in its third week - good skills on her part). And the hair man kept saying 'progressive' and 'chunks of colour' and 'much shorter' and I just kept nodding and trying not to fall asleep.

What a couple of lushes


Special


Cool as one of them cucumbers


How does Stu always manage NOT to make a tit of himself while everyone around him is falling about like loons?

Next Line

"You sleep, too deep, one week is another world,
Big mouth, drop out, you get what you deserve"

Oh. My. God.

I just got given the glad eye off Andrew Lincoln.

Well. Maybe.

It definitely was Andrew Lincoln (he is in the show that the hideous people off the telly were filming on my corridor) but was he giving me the glad eye?

I was walking to work through the square, he was crossing the road in front of me and we made eye contact. I thought "You look like Andrew Lincoln" so I turned back to confirm my sighting and HE WAS STILL LOOKING AT ME. He could have been checking out my beautiful umbrella decorated with small horses. Or he could have been wondering what the hell I was doing with a brolly on a scorching day like today.

Happy Birthday Gem Gems

Thursday night marked the beginning of several days worth of birthday/qualification celebrations for Gem Gems.

Champagne, more Pimms (truly, no mint plants were harmed in the making of the Pimms), bottle of wine on the terrace of the Avon Gorge overlooking the suspension bridge, champagne in Perry's on Friday, lots of vodka and dancing, BBQ with yet more champagne and sangria on Saturday.

We threw some top quality shapes on Friday night to such quality tunes as Footloose, I'm Still Standing, Jesus He Knows Me, and Club Tropicana. It was an hilarious night. A stag party attached themselves to us but refused to believe a word we said.

"So what do you do?"

"I'm doing a PhD in science stuff"

"So you're like a scientist?"

"Yes"

"Oh yeah I know your sort. You say you're a scientist but actually you're a scientist in that you're like, a hang-glider"

"Eh?"

"You're a scientist in the same way that they're scientists" (Points at two policemen)

"They're policemen"

"Exactly"


Sadly for Stu he missed all of this having gone off sailing with some friends. Rodney got dolled up in his best most jaunty sailor outfit but Stu forgot to take him.

Game no.3

"You sleep, too deep, one week is another world"

Set by Gem Gems. Another line when you're ready please.

And another one

"I know you are almost in love with me,
I can see it in your eyes.
Strange light shimmering over the sea tonight,
And it almost blows my mind"

Another Line

So far we've got...

"I know you are almost in love with me,
I can see it in your eyes."

Next line is...

"Strange light shimmering over the sea tonight,"

My New Favourite Thing

Gem Gem came over on Thursday night. She bought this absolute beauty back from her holiday for me...



I love her. And she's better than I can ever convey because she is actually encrusted with many tiny red LEDs that light up and sparkle. So special.

Another Day Another Line

"...I can see it in your eyes..."

Game no.2

Gem Gems wins game number 1.

"I know you are almost in love with me..."

Game On

"Children behave that's what they say when we're together..."

Bit concerned this is too easy.

Yoga For The Heart

Everyone needs some yoga for the heart from time to time. Lucky then that this man exists. You need sound on. It is hilarious and terrifying in equal measure. Mum - you have to watch this you will LOVE it.

http://blogfiles.wfmu.org/KF/2006/05/laughing_yogi.mpeg

Very many thanks to beautiful hil for this. I promise I will stop with the links soon but this is BRILLIANT. I'm going to make a special effort to incorporate yoga for the heart into my daily routine.

Open Letter To Dr Laura

Open letter posted on the internet to Laura Schlessinger, controversial American agony aunt type person...

Dear Dr. Laura,

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them.

a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

g) Lev 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev 19:27. How should they die?

i) I know from Lev 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev 24:10-16) Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted disciple and adoring fan.

Fainting Goats

Right, I think I need to lift the mood a little. Apparently some people were upset by Monday's post. To clarify, I am not chronically lonely but didn't have a conversation with an actual human all day on Monday becuase everyone who's anyone is on away. BUT then on Monday evening the lovely AC came over for some Pimms (which I definitely did not raid the vet's mint plant for honest guv) so I talked her to death and felt much better. So after that, and of course yesterday, some light entertainment...

http://www.qarxis.com/Fainting_Goats

With thanks to the sublime little Anna for supplying the link

In Loving Memory

Today was Mick's memorial service. There's really nothing I can say so I think I'll just leave it at that.

Hell Is Other People

Up til the wee small hours discussing Michael Douglas on msn with gem gems, then couldn't sleep. Wide awake at 4.14am. Utter rubbish. Feel rough as a badgers arse today.

Work is SO BORING. I so lonely. And I was skulking into work feeling sorry for myself when some hateful knobhead asked me for directions. Not known for my navigational skills I apologised, with a smile, that I did not know where the building he required was but that the map over the road contained a list of all the buildings in the vicinity and I felt sure it would be listed there...but before I could finish he rolled his eyes, put his hand up to stop me talking, and walked off.

I think what he meant to say was "thank you for your very polite attempt at helping me with my total ineptitude but I have already seen the map you mentioned and it has been of no help to me, probably because I roll my eyes at every little inconvenience that comes my way so I can't actually see properly"

Then the people off the telly turned up at work AGAIN. They need a white corridor for 30 seconds of footage and it has taken weeks to sort it. An actress is going to walk down the corridor to a man sat right outside my office. They keep turning up and discussing all this very loudly outside the office. And yet no one has actually told anyone this is going to be happening, I've got all my info from ear-wigging. Then today a photography man turned up and started taking pictures of the corridor from INSIDE MY OFFICE without even acknowledging I was sat there trying to concentrate! How rude! All this accompanied by ridiculously loud drilling from above and below. So, mad as a bag of spiders, I stalked off home in a huff. That definitely showed them.

Ever Fallen In Love

This dress stopped me in my tracks and I fell in love. I now own it in chocolate brown. How much it cost me is on a need-to-know basis.



I got the brown because they didn't have a yellow in my size. BUT this very one here in the window IS my size, and now my name is in the little book called 'things in the window that customers want'. SO, I can change the brown one for the one in the window in about 2 weeks time.



Questions...

(to those in the know) Is it worth what I paid for it?
Should I just take it right back and get my money back?
Is it suitable for Gem Gem's graduation?
Should I change the brown for the yellow?

Factors to consider...

The brown goes with more including my brown leather knee-high boots (and therefore a dress for all seasons), my little gold ballet-type shoes, my tan flip-flop things, my pink bejewelled tortoise shoes (pictured below as a special treat for those who've never had the good fortune to see such amazing shoes).



More factors...

The yellow is more summery and therefore more suitable for a summer graduation.
Stu thinks the yellow looks like I should be saying 'more coffee?' with a big beehive hairdo and a pencil behind my ear.
Not sure I have shoes to go with the yellow.

Help.